Daph

Finally managed to move into my room proper, and make as cosy as I can while maintaining simplicity. I am pleased to say the least. Now I can stop house hunting, meeting strangers into homes, having to decide in minutes whether I can live with this stranger(s), and if my pocket can handle the monthly expense.

Four walls and some furniture - My ‘cave’ to rest, chill, meditate and retreat to at Day’s end. The sun comes in right through the filmy curtains, and waking with Day’s break is heartening.

Four Toyogo Boxes and One Duffel - All my assets and treasures. I travel light..

Through this experience, I rediscovered how important having my own small space is, to quiet and be peaceful ; how temporal are material things like clothes, books and general ’stuff’ (and how few shoes I have compared to every other girl I know!!).

Til next year.. I have a solid roof over my head..

First the good news, after months of hunting rooms and knocking on doors, and having to put up with living under the same roof with the ex boyfriend who left me for some woman of dubious reputation.. I have managed to find my new ‘crib’ in Serangoon. Nothing fancy, just a room in a HDB flat, with a pretty cool flatmate and her aged golden retriever. But I suppose it’s gonna be Home for a while.. so if anyone is available to be my coolie.. DO let me know yeah? Gonna need all the help i can get.

After this whole fiasco, I guess this has been a phase of enlightenment. As my grandmother told me today, you need to open the eyes of your heart. Wasn’t quite sure what she meant initially, but I realise that while the heart scientifically has no vision, she also meant that I need to be mindful with my affections, feel and believe in my own intuition. She’s right you know, as old people often are.

There is no use crying over spilt milk, but I should have trusted my intuitions about the relationship. There were parts of it, no matter how in love I was, I couldn’t get over.  Now that the relationship is over, I realised that I should have heeded my sixth sense.

Why? Because I now see that the person I was in love with was simply a concept I wanted to believe in. He is not as kindhearted, as compassionate, as firm in his level of integrity, or as trustworthy. On the contrary, and I say this with no bitterness towards his cheating ways, he is far from all these things. In certain places, he might even be called an asshole.. but well, I’m not going to sink to that level. Hah!

Anyway, standby for a housewarming and mahjong session once I get settled in.. 

In Irish lore, the “Good People” was a collective means of calling pixies, fairies, wood sprites, water spirits and other creatures that come right out of MidSummer’s Night’s Dream. Milk was often left outside on the porch or door to appease these playful but goodwilled beings, to prevent them from turning milk sour, or scaring the farmland stock.

I have discovered that there are Good People around me as well. Not so much the magical being sort, but the human kind.After the roller coaster ride of the last couple of months, and the difficult aftermath of a breakup, today I feel lighter. I guess having a bad patch really brings out much insight.

Basic Requirements of Good People:
1. Compassion & Empathy for others, call it Selflessness perhaps
2. An awesome sense of Humour for everything (this includes dodgy jokes and slapstick)
3. Good moral and ethical values (sluts and assholes need not apply)
4. A helping pair of hands (calloused or manicured doesn’t matter)

Of course the list goes on endlessly. And because Good People come in various shapes and sizes, different professions and varied landscapes.

I guess I want to thank all the Good People I’ve the good fortune to have. And those who know me will know I hate to let my guard down and say mushy stuff so.. this is a one time off thing!!!

My colleagues - Gideon, Effendy, Louis, Jon, Elgene, Candy, Gene, Edwin, David, Edvan - for always being there on rainy days and having a joke to share to brighten the day.

My buddies - Jason, Michelle Yip, Brandon, Wenkai, Fonz, Kee Seng- who will drop anything and come to the rescue. Special note goes to Jason for being my ” Brother in Veggies” and giving me a sense of breathing and “OM”; Brandon for the shitty days and glorious nonsensical ones.

My family - Brother, Grandma - as they are, and always be the ones who take me as I am, whatever I choose to be. I am sorry for not being the best kin.. I know I really need to work at it.

My fellow nomads - all the travellers who have made the mountains truer, skies bluer and roads more joyful. There are so many kindred spirits around the world.

No matter what happens, life rolls along.. and I am truly thankful.

It is a sunday ritual for me these days, one that I enjoy. Wake up 7am, (yes an ungodly hour to most for a weekend), laze in bed for a bit, read the papers with a glass of milk and then head downtown for an hour and a half of yoga. A schedule that hardly ever changes unless I have work, or am sick, or overseas. Even so, it is something that I look forward to at the end of a week.

Today, as I stepped out of the house, the sky was a angry grey, towering cumulus and swift wind. Thought to take an umbrella but decided otherwise. When I got to class, it started to rain, the torrential rain that we are so familiar with. The drops splatter pitter patter staccato on the window, attacking vehemently. Stretching, pushing, pulling, leaping, springing.. balance, calm.. to the natural tempo. A undulating cacophony outside, the serendipity within.

Rain - That knocks at your window in the pre-dawn hours, whispering ’sleep in’;

   That pours into every single crevice when you are outside and yells ‘get cover!;

   That trickles through your fingers, down your elbows, giggling ‘you can’t get me’;

   That fills up sad holes with puddles of rainbows that you want to just stomp in and shout ‘Yay!";

   That you feel on your face, nose and the tastebuds on your tongue, saying ‘ hello you’.

Let the raindrops keep falling..

I recently read that love, or rather the feeling of love, is nothing more than a chemical reaction in the brain, derived from pheromones, stages of life, and diet. That is to say, that biological makeup, sexual needs, biological clocks and food are the sole reasons people fall in love. Initially, it was with a sense of disappointment, you mean that’s all there is to it? But later, this information, fact or myth, came as a more welcome relief.

And the reason is simple. We are absolved of our choices in who we fall in love with. That we simply, as people like to say, cannot help ourselves, since it is our cells and genetic makeup and time that determine what kind of person we fall in love with. So what all this means is that judgement of character, and the attributes we used to think are the reason we are in love with a person or persons, are really non-existent. No more self-battering ("How could I possibly fallen in love with someone like that?"), or criticisms ("Oh man, what can she possibly see in a guy like him. she so deserves better!"). Because now we know that everyone can’t help themselves.

Conclusively, this signals the death of choice doesn’t it. That unfaithful husbands can safely say, it was just chemistry at work here, "I can’t help myself!". Or women who spend their lives being bashed and abused left right and centre have a reason besides blind faith and low self esteem to stay with their boyfriends. Or when people completely incompatible in multiply ways get together and stay together. It’s all in our genes, as our fellow homosexuals like to say.

Yah right…

Indeed, as welcome a thought that electrical signals and the messages that our senses convey to our cranium is the sole matchmaker here, does anyone really want that. That all the sensations of falling in love and being in love - tingling in the fingers and toes, the racing pulse and thumping heart, the faint blush of pleasure, the dull ache related to a loved one’s absence, the welling of tears of happiness or heartache - all these are nothing more than our cells sending signals all over the place. I say, Let the choices we make to let our heart rest in the palm of another be our choices, and not undermine the complexity and infinite simplicity of all these emotions through science.

As I speed rapidly towards my late twenties and away from my teens, more things have become grey. No not my hair, which thanks to constant exposure to the Ubin sun I fear will never be truly black again. But principles, rules, right and wrongs, things are simply not so distinct and determinate as before.

SCENARIO:If your partner has feelings for ex or past crush? If he has been seeing this person behind your back because he is worried that you’ll freak out, that’s why he didn’t tell you? And what if there is even a period of consideration on his part on who to be with?

Are all these actions despicable, unforgiveable, and fundamentally wrong? Does it constitute cheating, infidelity? There are many schools of thought: 1. He didn’t have sexual intercourse with her, so it’s not cheating; 2. He decided to stay with the original gf so he is forgiven for every having doubt; 3. It is considered emotional infidelity and it is categorised as ‘betrayal of trust’; 4. It’s the slut’s fault for throwing herself at him, must be!; and many other opinions and bywords.

So who us right, or wrong? or more right than wrong, or more wrong than right? I suppose, at the end of the day, there is really no answer.

ANOTHER SCENARiO: A friend of mine recently got separated. It was a really bad way to do it, as he simply packed up moved out and left just saying that it isn’t working anymore. After a decade of being married, and 17 years of being a couple. He found a new place, and while in the process of his divorce is sleeping with, and in a relationship with his subordinate at work.

There are just too many of these cases. Like stories of ‘fuck buddies gone wrong’, where one party develops feelings for another. Or tales of men and women prowling night clubs for a good time.

Yes I am bothered by moral dilemmas, whether I am an involved party of not. I cannot just turn my back, say ‘not my problem’, or make a hasty decision, or only use rational thought or only use emotional intelligence.

In the context of relationships, men and women, there are, I realise no lines. The best and only thing to do when trying to make a call on what to do, who to blame, how to react, how to behave,what to say,is to Get Drunk and Flip A Coin.

Yesterday I had a feedback session from my colleagues, for what is lovingly known in the office as AFI (Areas for Improvement). (Why they don’t come out straight and say that instead of using the abbreviations I never understand, does it makes this bitter pill easier to swallow??)

And it so it turns out that I speak condescendingly and haughtily to my peers @ work, and that I need to appear more friendly and cordial when dealing with my colleagues. In these face to face interactions, I need to behave less coldly and logically and emphasise more on the ‘feeling’ aspect. Basically they are telling me that now that I am a manager, I am being scrutinised and need to watch my step, and to stop being such a cold unfeeling bitch. At least after the half an hour long session, these sesm to be the main points.

I do agree. Compare to my fellow colleagues I am just not too keen on getting to know people, maybe it comes from being an introvert. (Yes I am an introvert, surprise surprise! no one seems to believe that) Maybe it also comes from being too much of a thinker and too little of a emotional person, like they say, IQ and EQ are not the same thing. But the thing is, this is in a workplace where the forgiving culture is very strong, as is the emotional people aspect. As one friend once put it, these are people who would strip naked on the spot if they have the slightest belief that it would be of help to you. Crudely put, but so true.

The irony here is that while I was working outside OBS, I was probably the nicest person in the office and was forever getting taken advantage of (didnt quite mind unless it’s a week’s load of paperwork). Perhaps I really just don’t fit in here. It’s so hard for me to believe that I talk down to people, and put them down, i never intend to do that (Unless this person has really pissed me off, but in these cases I normally walk away or avoid them, don’t really fancy confrontations if I can help it, but when I do get mad it’s pretty awful).

I don’t know, maybe I have changed into this horrid bitch, at least from my colleagues’ point of view I am and I should ‘work on it’.This is definitely a concern, I am not looking for reassurance here, if it’s really true, do tell me, I need to know.

Have I really become what they say I have become?

I’ve been at my new designation for coming 2 months already. It is definitely diffeent to have my own space and desk after 3 years of living out of a pigeon hole, a drawer and a cupboard, Now I have somewhere to put a cup, my vitamins and a proper chair to sit on, instead of the floor and field chair. Sounds like I’ve gotten soft after all this time, soft and lazy. Perhaps. But I don’t deny enjoying the comfort of being office bound when it is raining all sorts of animals outside, or having to rein in kids running amok. Yup, I’ve gotten soft.

Am I still an Outward Bounder then? Someone who embodies the ideals of an adventurer, with the skills and knowledge to go out there and spread the word and essence of outdoor experiential learning. I would like to think so, just that now I do it a different way, a more corporate way. Or I could be decieving myself, I am no more than a desk bound office worker, droning away at paper, programmes and proposals, answering emails and phone calls, smiling at clients through sales presentations and meetings.

But this is certain, I enjoy where I am now. Not so much the title or the desk, but the flexibility to make my own judegements and take my own risks bearing my own consequences. I still depend on others, and value the opinions and experience of my peers and seniors, but the discretion I have to do what I feel is right and logical,, that is indeed, invaluable.

Just yesterday I ran a kid’s course for 10 year olds. 3 days of adventure activities. I still derive happiness in working with children, frustrating as they can be, but over the years I”ve got the hang of it.I was helping out my old department ’cause some people were sick and needed to reset. And I remember what irks me most. and encouraged me to quit so many times. The red tape, the ‘You must follow the book strictly and without exception’, the assumption that as long as you follow step 1 to step 200, you are good instructor, and if you don’t you suck, the inflexibility and closemindedness that makes me scream in my head, ” can you use some of your brain here???” Gosh, I felt so angsty when we spend 2 hours just mulling over process and procedures, really just not my cup of tea, eventhough I know it is necessary for such a big department.

I feel more at peace now. I still get to live the lifestyle of an instructor, work with people and be in the outdoors, without all the old things that got on my nerves. Maybe I’ll consider staying longer…

This last couple of months have been a hectic one. The CNY, going on holiday to Burma, an ex boyfriend coming back to singapore after being away for 2 years, another ex boyfriend tracking me down through friendster, getting promoted to manager, growing one year older… it has been a ride already, 2007.

I guess no matter how you try to avoid it or block it from your memory, the past always has a way of catching up with you. Maybe it’s the great Karmaic cycle of things. Or more disturbingly, all it has been doing the past couple of years was lying in hibernation at the back of my head. There are somethings that are very hard to get over - the 1st long term relationship (even if it became an abusive and traumatic pain in the ass), the passing of a parent, the person who was there to hold you during a death… Somebody told me that I have to let go, release all my sorrows and pain and frustration about things in history, only then can I look and move forward. ‘Learn from the past, let it drift away and step ahead’, or something along those lines. I absolutely agree. And I thought of, or portrayed myself as someone resilient and rational, able to get over emotional hurdles and view things in a practical and calm manner.

Maybe I should stop lying to myself. I am not happy that my 1st longterm boyfriend is finally seeing someone else, even if I detest him to the core for so many reasons. I will never get over the pain and remorse of my father’s death, the regret of not being a good daughter or at least making an attempt to do so. I cannot help feeling awkward around the ex boyfriend who returned from abroad, because there was never any closure before he left and he was someone I cared for and depended on very much.

I am human, and there is no right or wrong in how I feel, only a right or wrong in how I react and handle all the creatures that lurk in the distant past.

I know that this is probably something that everyone experiences as a working adult. Let’s call it the Single Black Dot ,SBD for short. This is where you have been slogging away and performing well, but nobody gives you a pat on the back, and when you are down with the flu or made a mistake at work, all eyes are on you and fingers start wagging ‘tsk tsk tsk’.

It is a hateful and demoralising thing to happen, especially when you have been taking up whatever workload they are throwing at you, regardless of weekends and public holidays, for the last 6 months. But all they see is the SBD on a clean slate. Maybe I am constitutionally not as strong as some of my counterparts, but there is no one else more concerned about my physical well-being than myself. After all I am the one suffering the aches and pains, fever and flus, all the while trying to drag myself quickly back into an adequate state of health so that I can hop back on the work wagon.

So I am officially depressed about this. And all this was sparked off by a conversation I had as I was leaving Pulau Ubin this evening. The deputy head of the corporate department I am due to be promoted to sat next to me, and asked me straight off, "What’s wrong with you? Why are you not on course? Slacking ah..haha"

To which I explained my injury and the light duty I was on. Immediately after he retorted, " You know,  there are PEOPLE who are concerned. You know that in our department there is very little room for people to be sick. You better watch your health hor."

What a thinly veiled threat.. Which really made me feel down in the mouth. It’s not like I can help it, and I am doing my best to stay healthy and recover fast, and it is absolutely depressing sitting in the office doing nothing except stare at the computer screen and do paper work. This is not what I joined Outward Bound for, at all.

This is casting doubt on my decision to stay in OBS and even the promotion to the corporate department. I don’t feel that I want it as badly anymore, the enthusiasm has been snuffed out prematurely. A place which zooms in on the SBD, a working environment where it is more about "WHen can you be back at work?" instead of "Get well soon", a place where people appear to care and like everyone where it is definitely not so. At least in the corporate world you know who your enemies are, here they are masquerading as friends.